Skip to content

Jonathan (another one) does Veronica Geng does Robert Mueller

Frequent commenter Jonathan (another one) writes:

I realize that so many people bitch about the seminar showdown that you might need at one thank you. This year, I managed to re-read the bulk of Geng, and for that I thank you. I have not yet read any Sattouf, but it clearly has made an impression on you, so it’s on my list.

In thanks, my first brief foray into pseudo-Gengiana, I think I’ve got the tone roughly right, but I’m way short on whimsy, but this is what I managed in a sustained fifteen minute effort. Thanks again.

My fellow Americans:

As you are no doubt aware, I have completed my investigation and report. I write this to inform you of an unfortunate mishap from Friday. Many news outlets have reported that my final report was taken by security guard from my offices to the Justice Department. That is not true. In an attempt to maintain my obsessive secrecy, that was a dummy report, actually containing the text of an unpublished novel by David Foster Wallace that we found in Michael Cohen’s safe. We couldn’t understand it—maybe Bill Barr will have better luck.

The real one was handed to my intern, Jeff, in an ordinary interoffice envelope, and Jeff was told to drop it off at Justice on his way home. He lives nearby with six other interns. Not knowing what he had, he stopped off at the Friday Trivia Happy Hour at the Death and Taxes Pub, drank a little too much, and left the report there. We’ve gone back to look and nobody can find it.
So why not just print out another one? Or for that matter, why didn’t I just email the first report? As you’ve no doubt gleaned by now, computers and email aren’t my thing. As my successor at the FBI, Mr. Comey, demonstrated, email baffles just about all of us. And I don’t use a computer. So there isn’t another copy of the real report. I’ve got all my notes, though, so I ought to be able to cobble together a new report in a couple of months.

Apologies for the delay,
Robert Mueller

PS: Jeff has been chastised. We haven’t fired him, but in asking him about this he let slip that his parents didn’t pay taxes on the nanny who raised him and they may have strongly implied that he played on a high school curling team to get into college. His parents are going to jail and the nanny’s immigration status is being investigated. This requires a short re-opening of the investigation.

The mention of “Jeff” seems particularly Geng-like to me. Perhaps I’m reminded of “Ed.” Thinking of Geng makes me a bit sad, though, not just for her but because it reminds me of the passage of time. I associate Geng, Bill James, and Spy magazine with the mid-1980s. Ahhh, lost youth!


  1. Jeff says:

    Very nice.

    I can’t claim objectivity here but I’ve noted for the past year or two that “Jeff” seems to be enjoying a moment as a name that can be tossed into a narrative like this one for an extra laugh. I’m not sure why this might be–when I was a kid the name was so common that I don’t think it would have worked–but it’s entertaining.

Leave a Reply